Confessions of a Line Cook: 2009

Thursday, December 31, 2009

here we come, reach for your guns, and you better listen well my friend

ok, so i'm not really copying my boy mikey's idea for a decade end list, i swear.  i've actually wanted to write a list like this for a while, plus its a totally different list, but i guess you could say he gave me the inspiration.

MY TOP TEN LIST OF SHIT I HATE FOR THE DECADE 2000-2009

1.  people that park in the no parking lane in front of grocery stores and target and stuff.  it happens the most at wal-mart, though i hate to admit i even go there.  i don't care how fat, lazy, old, whatever you are, and i don't care how quick your stupid wife is gonna be.  you can't park there.  it says so, in big yellow fucking letters, but you can't see them cause you're fucking parked on them.  you are a douchenozzle and you make me sad to be a human.

2.  skinny jeans.  i guess it's not so much the jeans (or that goddamn wacky anime hair) but the fact that i'm so old i've officially turned into "that guy"--the guy who says "everything was way cooler when i was your age".  but, let's face it...it was.  the 80s were awesome!  and skinny jeans are stupid!  bah!  you kids get off my lawn!

3.  that goddamn jalapeno on a stick guy.  your act is tired, and you suck it bad.  you're a fucking ventriloquist, for gods sake...do you also wear knickerbockers and think everything costs a nickel?  fuck you jeff dunham.  i hate you.

4.  late tables.  i've said it before...you can't walk in to target ten minutes before they close and expect to shop for an hour, right?  no, of course not, they close in ten minutes silly!  but if it's hooters, or the olive garden, and especially where i work, apparently it's fair game.  my boss says he likes the money, so we have to serve them.  i say bah!  we're closed and i wanna go home!  screw you people for making me late getting home.

5.  people that drag their goddamn dogs everywhere with them.  with the one exception of my buddy gator bobb, who takes his poodle pretty much everywhere, i cannot stand this behavior.  i guess if you're going for a hike or whatever its all good but i've seen soooo many dogs left in cars in my parking lot.  don't bring your dog to the restaurant with you.  you might bring him a hamburger, but it's pretty busted leaving a dog in your car while you eat.  you're a jerk.

6.  people with gigantic lift kits on their trucks.  with the one exception of my buddy gator bobb, who has a toyota 4 runner with like 36 inch tires and does mad four by four stuff up in the woods, i cannot stand this behavior.  wait, that's twice i've said that...actually i once told my wife "if that guy wasn't my friend i'd fucking hate him".  anyway...love ya gator.  back to the lift kits.  i can tell somebody who takes their rig up in the woods from somebody who just has a small dick.  you know who you are.

7.  twilight.  i haven't seen i but i bet it sucks and i hate having to hear about it all the time.

8.  people who don't use their blinkers.  you know how when your hand is on the steering wheel and you're driving?  yeah.  your blinker is that thing your left pinky is sitting on.  use it.

9.  non hd programming.  come on comedy central and cartoon network, get with it.  also a lot of griz games are on non hd channels, which blows.  i have like three hundred non hd channels and i never watch them cause the picture sucks.

10.  having to work when everybody else has the day off.  but ya know, that's part of the restaurant business. when you play, we work, when we play, you sleep, and we don't ever get to sleep.  my wife has all these awesome holiday days off and i always have to work on holidays cause people that don't work in restaurants tend to eat in restaurants on holidays.  i haven't gotten to take my girl to dinner on valentines day in like twelve years, and i never get to get drunk in the morning on st. paddys day like any good irishman would.  ah well.  i love me some line cooking.

trust i seek and i find in you

ok.  first things first.  nobody got the last title.  i'll admit, it hasn't been a full day yet but none of you are gonna get it so forget it anyway.  it was from baggy trousers by madness.  one of the greatest ska bands ever, btw.  i think this title is way easier.

anyway, whoo....we gots busy today!  me and the boss didn't think it would be busy cause it rarely is on new years eve plus it was snowing to high hell.  but we were pleasantly surprised, we had a pretty good lunch, were steady all afternoon, and had a damn fine dinner.  it wasn't like, valentines day busy but it was a helluva thursday anyway.  we actually ran a couple of specials...a pecan crusted chicken breast with a fucking amazing huckleberry cabernet sauce, and a 10 oz sirloin with bleu cheese and balsamic reduction (also fucking amazing). both are things we've ran before (we do the chicken two or three times a year) and both are things that i just get better at making the more i do it.  i thought i had perfected the hucklecab sauce but i guess i was wrong, cause...damn.  it was gooood.  for those of you who don't know a huckleberry is kinda like a tart, plump, purple blueberry.  they grow like crazy in montana, and thanks to my mommy in law i get freshies every summer.  i dunno where else they grow but i do know that they can't be domesticated.  hmm.

anyway, i take a bunch of cabernet savignion (is that right?  lets just say cab) and a bunch of huckleberries, lemon zest and juice, onion, garlic, sugar, and salt n pepper and boil the crap out of it until it reduces, then i blitz it in the choppy chop, and then i add a few whole berries back in so you can see em.  it's super good, and the breading we (blitzed up pecans and cereal---won't say which one) use goes well with it.

so yeah, it was nice.  i like being busy.  and it was kind of a mad dash to get it all ready by dinnertime, cause we had a lot of prep and i was steady the whole time.  but jenney knocked out most of the prep and i made the hucklecab sauce and the balsamic reduction (which i reducted for like an hour with honey and garlic...mmm!) and the breading plus i knocked out a bunch of tickets at the same time.  also i burned my finger right off the bat trying to fix the gas flow to the broiler.

all in all a pretty good day.

lots of girls and lots of boys, lots of smells and lots of noise

so this isn't really a post per se, but more of a hey-go-check-out-my-friend's-end-of-decade-list-on-his-blog.  being an internet junkie i've read a lot of year end and decade end lists but this one is the best cause it mentions my blog and also has no order and makes no sense but is still awesome anyway.

also my song quote here is a pretty obscure one, so the prize is fifty bonus awesome points!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

can't ya see i'm standin here with my back against the record machine

ok.  fun fun fun.  the title of this post is a quote from a song.  from now on all my titles are gonna be lines from songs that kick ass, and ten bonus awesome points* for leaving a comment with the right answer.  yesterday's title was of course from through the fire and the flames by dragonforce.  duh.

so, anyway, of course the steamer got fixed today.  it took the guy like four hours.  the element burned out but apparently there was years and years of calcium buildup cause i guess you're supposed to chemically clean it once a week but we've never done it.

whoops.

anyway, it took a long time and it smelled like a science lab all day.  but the cleveland steamer lives again!  huzzah!

so, i guess the only other thing of any interest that happened today was ONCE AGAIN i was forced into making breakfast after we stopped serving breakfast.  ok, listen, i understand the five after two tickets (we cut off breakfast orders at 2) but this order didn't even come in until almost twenty after.  and it was a seven top.  two of them had cheeseburgers, but the rest were breakfasts.  what i was told at about twenty to two was that there was going to be a seven top but not everybody was there yet.  so, naturally, by twenty after, i had completely forgotten about it.  and i guess because some of them were there before two, the server (she who shall not be named but has pooped her pants at work one time) figured that it was okay that they ordered breakfast.  i only cooked it because i'm super passive aggressive and i shy away from confrontation but enjoy complaining.  only afterward was i told that it was actually a different server's kids and their friends.  so, the moral of the story is, those kids should know what fucking time breakfast ends.

anyway.  i always do shit like that, and go against all my line cook instinct (which 95% of the time just screams "FUCKOFFIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU") and do special orders for people or serve something before or after i should.  i'm a softie...what can i say?  i'm a big bowl of puddin, with a tiny nugget of raving lunatic in the middle.

*bonus awesome points can't be redeemed for money, favors, sexual favors, sexual favors that maybe i did once but that are illegal in nine states, or sexual favors that i may have gotten from your mother and you'd like to try.  they are simply a way of measuring your awesomeness compared to that of your peers, so that i may belittle and humiliate you when you guess wrong.  peace, suckas!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

through the fire and the flames we carry on

so, remember about six inches ago when i talked about how everything was all broken and stuff?  well, most of it isn't anymore, which is nice, but the kitchen heat is still out and the steamer needs a new element and we won't get it for a couple days.  the heat is one thing...i mean, you'd think with a broiler, a six foot flattop grill, a convection oven, a steam table, and a fryer would keep the kitchen warm but not really.  we're in a super old historical building that all slants to one corner and has poor insulation.  anyway, it's cold in the back.  i am finding myself standing with my arms under the heat lamps lately.  anyway, the steamer...now, today was tuesday, and my two or three loyal readers will know that tuesday is all you can eat spaghetti day at my joint.  so, instead of having the ol cleveland steamer working (seriously...the company that makes our steamer is the cleveland corperation, and it has a big blue badge that says cleveland on the front.  cleveland steamer.  i dunno if that's where the saying comes from or if it's just the most awesome coincidence in the world, but there ya go.) i had to take a hotel pan and fill it with water and put a slotted insert in in and dominate two burners all night.  it wasn't as busy as last week (did i mention the drama last week?  there was drama) so it wasn't a huge issue but still, i kind of hate my routine getting changed.  i have a very specific way of doing stuff (in fact, i rearrange the containers on the shelf to suit my liking every day) and i don't like having to change stuff.  i usually heat the noodles in the steamer.  i can do it half a dozen other ways, but i like to use the steamer.  that's what it's for.  so when i had to change it up today i didn't necessarily like it but like i said it wasn't busy and it didn't really matter.  too bad for you, dear readers, cause if it would have been i'm sure this post would have been much angrier and altogether more enjoyable.  in fact i just re-read what i just wrote and it's pretty boring.  it sounded so much better in my head earlier.  not nearly as whiny.  "ooh, poor me, i wus cold and my steamer didn't work.  boo hoo!"

anyway, i just promised myself i'd try to blog more so there ya have it.  i'll try to not be such a pussy next time.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

never fails...

so, i dunno about offices and all that, but when something goes wrong at a restaurant, it seems like everything goes wrong.  so...yesterday when everybody showed up to open, this is what was wrong....

motherboard on main office computer failed...all the computer terminals were down.  no way to turn in orders.

dining room thermostat.  it was 40 degrees when the opening shift got to work.

kitchen heater.  dead.  it blew cold air half the time anyway, but now it's straight up done.

various pipes froze and broke.  the dish sprayer cracked n broke.  also both hand sinks in the back.

employee toilet was full of ice and wouldn't work.

when i got there at two, the thermostat and computers were fixed but it was still cold as hell in the back and the hand sinks didn't work and we had to carry bus tubs of hot water from the back to the dishpit to soak plates and stuff cause the sprayer was busted.  and then i turned the steamer on and instead of filling up with steam, it just poured water out the front for thirty seconds, then made a super loud pop and then smoke came billowing out.  so, the steamer is DONE.  it's been sketchy for a few months now, but i think the fryed out electronics smell was a telltale sign.  luckily we weren't busy in the slightest, otherwise we would have had an annoying evening.  it was bad enough just due to the cold.  i don't want to have to wear a sweatshirt while standing in front of a broiler.  and then i'd go outside to smoke and get even colder and come back inside and i could never warm up.  and i'd walk over to the hand sink to wash up and oh yeah it's broken.  then i was drinking tea like mad to warm up and kept having to go knock on the dining room bathroom door to make sure it was empty so i could go pee instead of just peeing in the employee bathroom.  what a pain in my ass.

anyway, i got two days off so i'm sure when i go back either everything will be fixed or it won't.  i'm just glad i don't have to deal with dishes this morning.  egg plates have to be soaked and scraped, and our sprayer is busted.  it would not surprise me in the slightest if more shit breaks down today.

when it rains, it pours, i guess...

Friday, December 25, 2009

merry effin christmas errybody

i just wanted to knock out a quick post cause i got me a wireless router and now can blog from the comfort of my couch.  so i should get back on a regular schedule of posts, if anything interesting starts happening at work anyway...it's been super slow.  anyway, it's christmas and i'm rocking guitar hero van halen and drinking and eating cookies.  hope all my readers are rockin it.

anyway, more to come soon, ya'll!

Friday, December 18, 2009

bready bread breadsticks

so i've been going off lately making breadsticks...fresh, of course, and huge and doughy and awesome.  i made two batches on monday (parmesan and cracked pepper, sea salt and cracked pepper) that i was initially planning on sending out as xmas presents but i'm not sure they're gonna travel well and be good to eat in a week, so i'm probably going to scrap that idea.  see, every year, every damn year i get my boy mikey's address and i say i'm gonna send him a christmas present, and every damn year i fail to do so.  i feel stupid about it, although he's never mentioned it.  anyway, mikey my boy, i'm sorry i've once again let you down.

ANYway, now that the guilt has passed, check out my killer breadsticks!




they're fatties!  and super good!  here's the recipe:

take a packet of quick dissolve yeast and mix it with a cup of warm water, let sit for five minutes.  add between 2 and 1/2 and 3 cups of bread flour, a teaspoon and a quarter of salt, and mix until it becomes doughy...the extra half cup of flour may be needed to keep it from being too sticky.  flour up a counter and knead the bejaysus out of the dough for five, six minutes.  spray a bowl with cooking spray and put the doughball in the bowl and put it in a warm spot for about a half hour, or until doubled in size.  punch that sucker down and let it sit for a couple minutes.  turn it out onto the counter and roll it out until it's rectangle, maybe a foot and a half long by a foot wide.  brush it with an egg wash, and top it with damn near anything.  coarse salt and fresh cracked pepper are good first time choices.  then spritz it with cooking spray, and using a sheet of plastic wrap push the toppings into the dough. use a pizza cutter to cut it into twelve or fourteen strips.  take each strip and gently pull it and bounce it in the air until its around a foot long.  you don't have to, but i like to twist the strips to make them awesome looking.  spray your cookie sheets and arrange the breadsticks about an inch apart.  toss them into an oven preheated to 450 for ten to fifteen minutes or until they look done.  cool on racks.

boom.

breadsticks.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

that went pretty well

so i knocked out another party, a small one this time, only about twenty people and it was cocktail party style food.  it was fairly easy but not super easy.  i woke up wednesday morning with a fantastic headache, so bad that i ended up getting sick and going back to bed, but not before i got the pulled pork working.  that was important.  also on tuesday night i got held up at work and didn't get home until ten thirty and still had to make marinara sauce and coleslaw.  the marinara was killer...pretty standard except for white wine instead of red and the addition of a half pound of carrots blended into it.  it was good.  i'm not really a tomato sauce sort of guy but i thought it was great.

anyway, i only made three dishes...pulled pork sliders with coleslaw (kinda my go-to dish), meatballs in marinara, and bruschetta.  but i made three damn good dishes.  and i've never made the meatballs or bruschetta before...but i knocked them out of the park.  the meatballs were full of parmesan, fresh parsley, and tons of fresh ground nutmeg.

i know, right?  nutmeg in meatballs?

yep.  they were soooooo good.




i've done pulled pork a ton of times, but it was awesome as ever.  i usually put lots of chipotle chili powder in my slaw but made it more on the sweet side this time.  killer.  the pork has the lid on but trust me, it was tender, succulent, and wonderous.




the bruschetta was something i'd never made before, but how can you screw up tomatoes, fresh basil, garlic, and olive oil?  i wanted to plate them up individually but the host of the party didn't want to have to do another batch when the first was gone, so i toasted up a ton of baguette slices and kept the bruschetta in a bowl, and served the balsamic on the side.  it was still awesome and yummy.


the whole spread looked like this...i even made a menu card and framed it!  bam!



so, sorry i haven't been blogging a lot lately...i don't really have an excuse...i'm just lazy.  also my buddy let me borrow new super mario bros. wii, so i've been hitting that pretty hard.  anyway, i was excited about cooking yesterday, and i was listening to awesome 40s big band xmas music the whole time.  good times.

until next time, loyal readers...i'm takin what i'm givin cause i'm cookin for a livin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

more kick ass food on the way

so i got another party to cater...it's just a small xmas party for a local law firm.  my friend eli (who i haven't seen in a couple years) saw my catering pics on facebook and when his wife came home and told him she was having the office xmas party at their house he immediately thought of me.  flattering!  anyway, we're still working out the menu but stay tuned for a post next week with pictures and the story.  i also maybe am catering my boy mike's wedding in august (hope everything works out for that).

other than that, it's been slow at work, it's cold as hell, it's snowy for pretty much the first time today, and my computer works like crap.  oh, and my blackberry just up and quit working.  also my dvr won't record it's always sunny in philadelphia for some reason.

i'm having a hell of a time with electronics lately.

Monday, November 30, 2009

a huge thank you to all my readers

wow.  i'm pushing 500 hits!  not that that's a lot, mind you (this is the internet and all), but still, i'm damn happy that anybody at all wants to read this thing.  when i started writing my blog, it was really just a forum for me to rant and rave about all the things i love and hate about the day to day business of line cooking.  i didn't really expect anybody to read it, much less come back and read it again.  i applied to have my blog listed on the foodie blogroll and i got it, and i know a lot of the readers are coming from there.  but i had to do that myself...find out about the foodie blogroll, submit my blog for review and all that.  which i was happy to do, as it let a whole new set of people know about my blog.  but i was stunned yesterday, as i was approached by a website called The Petit Chef who wanted to list my blog on their site.  so i added their button and here we are.  i'm flattered that anybody is reading this thing, and i'm double flattered that Petit Chef wanted my blog listed on their site (which is full of awesome blogs and recipes and such).  so thank you to the foodie blogroll, thank you to Petit Chef, and thank you to all of you who are reading this thing.  i've gotten a lot of awesome comments since i've started, and as much as i like posting my stuff, i like reading what people think about it.  so, if you have a google account, comment away!  if not, sign up for one, it only takes like thirty seconds. 

keep reading, ya'll!  i love writing this thing.

Friday, November 27, 2009

the story of how turkey day became bacon day

so, i've never really liked turkey (except turkey sammiches, but that's a different post), but i do love me some bacon, so whenever i'm asked to contribute to thanksgiving dinner i usually go with bacon or pork of some sort.  a couple of years ago i made up a sausage, cranberry, and apple dressing that was a huge hit, so now i'm expected to make dressing all the time.  but i've done that one a couple years in a row now, as well as a few times at work, so i wanted to do something different.  and, since i've never had cornbread stuffing, i did that.  i looked at a couple recipies but didn't follow any...i just crispied up some bacon, cooked celery and onion in that, added fresh sage and thyme, and mixed that with cornbread crumbles and chicken stock.  then, i drizzled like a half cup of bacon fat over the whole thing and baked it until crispy.  it looked like this:


i also made pumpkin apple soup, cause i love pumpkin soup and had never had soup at thanksgiving before.  it was easy, i just cooked more bacon, cooked onion and garlic in the bacon fat, added a granny smith apple, some apple cider, some chicken stock, and a can of pumpkin.  then i whipped it with the stick blender and served it with a drizzle of heavy cream on top.  everybody LOVED it.  home run.



i also tried making candy for the first time ever, and, you guessed it, i made BACON CANDY.  well, technically i was trying to make bacon brittle, but i think i did a few things wrong.  first, there was a lot of bacon (and pecans) so it was probably chunkier than it should have been.  and i don't think i stirred it enough cause it was two different colors.  and it didn't spread out like i wanted it to.  in fact, when i finished i wasn't sure if it would turn out to be anything, but after a night in the fridge it set up and i smashed it to bits and it's really chewy and sticky but it's sweet at first and the more you chew it the more the bacon comes out, and it gets smokey and salty and porky.  friggin yum.



also my big brother made an incredible roasted sweet potato salad, butte-style (cold, whipped, with egg and scallion), and i ate so much i didn't eat any mashies (for the first thanksgiving ever).  it was amaaaaazing.


sadly, the sweet potato salad didn't have any bacon in it.  but it was damn good anyway, and i went home proud of how much everybody liked the soup (my dad ate it prison-style, all hunched over with his elbows out), my sister in law destroyed the stuffing (both mine and my dads), i picked lots of crispy skin off the turkey when everybody had sat down and started eating, and i was kind of surprised i came home with bacon candy left.  oh well, i ate a bunch last night and i'm bringing the rest to work.

hope all my dear readers had a good bac--err--turkey day, and hope ya'll like my pictures.  that soup looks awesome!

Friday, November 20, 2009

what part of "we don't have that anymore" don't you understand?

so, this is the only restaurant i've worked at where the boss allows people to order things that aren't on the menu anymore.  boss gets himself all worked up over menu changes, and thinks about it for weeks, then takes some stuff off the menu to make room for some new stuff, but, for whatever reason, anything that used to be on our menu is fair game for our customers.  they'll say "hey, remember that lunch special that you had like two months ago?  yeah.  i want that."  or "four years ago you had a sandwich i liked.  make it."

there's some things, like club sandwiches and patty melts, that aren't on our menu but we allow customers to order them anyway, and although i don't agree with it, it is what it is.  club sandwiches aren't hard.  but what i don't understand is why someone would order a club sandwich when it's very clearly not on the menu.  listen, goddamn near any restaurant in the country can make you a club sandwich or a blt, but if you don't see it on the menu?  don't fucking order it.  same goes with stuff we just took off the menu.  i told marie yesterday (after i found out we got rid of my lemon caper sauce) that within two weeks, one of jessie's customers (it's always jessie) will say "hey, i came in here for the salmon with caper sauce" and jessie will say "i'm sure it's not a problem, i'll have the cooks make it" and then she'll get pissed at me cause i won't do it.  discontinued means discontinued.  jessie will say "i don't see why you can't make it.  you have all the stuff."  and  my reply will be "yeah, we do.  but it's not on the fucking menu anymore.  it's discontinued.  i'm not doing it."  and she'll be pissed at me for two days. 

i guess what really bothers me is that we (as cooks and the boss) spend a lot of time trying new ideas, and we spend a lot of time thinking about the layout of the menu, and we look at the POS system to see what has been selling and what hasn't, and when we finally take a few items off the menu and give our customers a bunch of new stuff to eat, it's only a matter of time before someone orders something that we just took off the menu.  the worst part?  i actually have to make it.  even though it's not on the menu anymore. 

i don't get it.

i've never in my life ordered something i didn't see on the menu.  why?  probably cause the menu is a list of the stuff you can have.  DO NOT presume to make up your own stuff, or order something we no longer have.  just because i have veggies, butter, and white wine, that DOES NOT mean i'd be happy to make you a veggie pasta in a white wine butter sauce.  the saddest part?  the boss will tell me that "it's a nice little old lady" and "we have all the stuff, why can't you make it?"

listen, if you're having a contractor build you a house, and you go out halfway through the build and the contractor is there and there's a bunch of wood lying around, don't ask him to build you a go-kart.  just cause he can doesn't mean he should have to.

*sigh*

it's friday, and i promise that some jerkoff will order something we just took off the menu.  maybe i won't have to wait two weeks for jessie to get mad at me!  yay!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

dinne with dr. and mrs saucehousen

so, yeah...those people on tuesday that eat all the spag sauce...i call them the saucebergs, or the saucensteins, or the duke of saucebury...

here's the thing...we serve a pretty big plate of noodles (i dunno, half pound maybe?) with an eight ounce ladle of sauce on top.  eight ounces.  that's also a half pound.  now, that's a lot of sauce.  really, it is.  but wait...this table usually orders THREE OR FOUR extra sauces.  that's two more pounds of sauce.  and that's just for the first plate of noodles.  if anybody has a reorder (it's all you can eat, ya know) from that table i can expect to serve up another cup of sauce as well.  sometimes i just want to take all their extra sauce and stick it in a goddamn milkshake cup and put a straw in it.  it's because of them i don't eat spaghetti anymore.
.
and the wife is bummed, cause we made pretty mack daddy spag at home, but i just see so much of it, and all the extra sauces actually grosses me out...if a real italian were to see how these people eat pasta, they'd be appalled.  but i guess it's not totally their fault...i don't really eat anything at work anymore...it's not food, it's product.  other cooks can attest to this (i hope).  when you first start at a restaurant, you eat pretty much everything on the menu...it's pretty important for both the cooks and servers to know what everything should look and taste like.  so you try it all.  then, after a few months, you start getting bored with the menu and you start playing with the ingredients in the back to make your own dishes.  then, a few months later, you start seeing the food as product and your job, as opposed to food.  it ceases to look appetizing, although plates can look good...i mean, i can put a plate of spaghetti in the window, and the sauce is all piled nice in the middle, and it's steaming, and it looks good.  but i don't want to eat it.  it's like a painting.  i know a lot of people that are like, "man, if i worked at a restaurant, i'd never have to have food at my house!" and it doesn't really work like that.  granted, a lot of my servers eat meals at work, but the cooks generally don't.  except jenney, who comes in hungover and eats greasy sandwiches and then like clockwork pukes twenty minutes later.  i very rarely eat at work, although i nibble a lot.  listen, i work right next to a giant pan of bacon.  all day long.  bacon.  so there's that.  also i taste all the sauces and soups every day to make sure they're all ok.  i also have a habit of walking over to the server station and taking single pieces of lettuce and dipping them in bleu cheese dressing.  but if i ever eat anything substantial at work it's usually a cheesesteak, cause really, you can't go wrong with cheesesteaks.

so, yeah...anything else?  hmm...

oh yeah!  hey, i dunno how many of my readers watch top chef, but i've been addicted since the first season.  as i've said before, i am in no way a chef, i am just a line cook in a nice little family cafe.  but i like watching, cause i love food, and it's just fun to see cooks on tv being cooks.  but i gotta tell ya, there's these two brothers on this season, and although they make incredible food and have excellent technique, they're both just total douchers.  i wouldn't want either of them anywhere near my kitchen, no matter how nice their food is.  i base a lot of my opinions about the contestants on top chef (and other cooking shows) on how much i would like to work in a kitchen with them.  iron chef michael symon, for instance, seems like he'd be a fun guy to share a kitchen with, like he could crack the dirty mama jokes i'm used to.  i actually heard rachel ray is a filthy mouthed chain smoker, which is damn near required in line cooks.  but these two brothers are just total jagweeds.  neither one of them looks like they ever have any fun cooking, they don't look like they know any good jokes or listen to megadeth, like neither one of them has ever had a ten minute towel-snap fight with the girls.  they say things like "i felt i executed that dish well" and they're always using yuzu and sous viding everything, and they're just fucking douchers.  every time one of them says something i always mutter "get the fuck out of my kitchen".  i bet neither of them has ever done drugs at work, and i bet they'd tell me to turn the radio down and clean up my station.  fuck those guys!  there's a fat, bearded, redhead guy on top chef this year that i'm totally rooting for, cause he's fat, bearded,  and redheaded.   like me.  and he seems like he'd do jager shots and take his shirt off, or go to a slayer show with me. 

so, to sum today's lesson up, don't eat that much fucking spaghetti sauce, i don't eat at work, and those two guys are fucking douchers.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

speaking of the murder kit...

there's actually a bunch of other stuff in my knife kit as well...there's a furi ozitech sharpener, which works really well and folds down into practically nothing.  i have a pill bottle full of extra stregnth tylenol, zantac 150, and a couple of lortabs for when things get really bad.  i got band aids in there.  i got gum.  i got a couple of sharpies.

i also have a toolbox full of goodies that i sometimes bring to work, depending on what i'm doing.  mostly it stays home.  that has my other two microplanes, my stick blender (an absolutely invaluable tool), a coffee grinder for spices, a few silicone spatulas, a small chinese rolling pin, a gnarly set of chinese veggie carving tools, extra squeeze bottles, pastry bags with a very impressive tip collection (for piping anything from frosting to mashed potatoes to guacamole), some silicone measuring cups and spoons that flatten out, a small bottle of white truffle oil, and a few jars of my favorite spices.  the spices vary, but there's always smoked paprika.

hey other cooks reading this (if any other cooks are reading this), leave a comment and tell me what's in your knife kits!

see now this is just annoying

so, TWICE now i have written a fantastic post about how this one table eats too much spaghetti sauce on tuesday nights, and twice this goddamn laptop has failed and froze up, so you're just going to have to take my word for it...it was a great post, probably one of my best, and it was full of witty comments and hilarious insights.  it could have changed the world. 

oh well.  stupid laptop.  look at my knives!  i call it the murder kit.

k left to right...12 inch forschner granton edge slicer
analon paring knife
worthless veggie cleaver (too light)
8 in analon chef knife (my tattoo knife)
henkel steel
offset serrated knife
microplane
8 in henkel granton edge santoku (my go-to knife)

the henkel is a fantastic knife but i highly recommend analon knives as well, the steel is awesome, they're easy to sharpen and keep sharp, they all come with hard sheaths, and they're affordable as all hell.  i have three of them (one's at home, a 5 inch kyotso, which my wife loves).

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

holy god my computer is f**ked up

sorry dear readers, i haven't posted in a while.  my computer has some sort of virus that i just can't get rid of, and it's not allowing me to access my blog.  i can blog from my blackberry, but the sort of posts i like to write are frigging annoying to type on my bb.  i could twitter from my bb (but twittering is stupid) but blogging from it is a pain in my ass.

anyway, i also have an old crappy laptop that i have to drag upstairs and actually plug in to my ethernet cable, which i guess isn't really a problem, i'm just lazy.

ANYway...i can't really remember what happened at work this week so i'm assuming that nothing important went down.  we got some new steaks...16 oz bone in new york strips, to replace our 12 oz ribeyes that weren't selling.  these new ones are ginormous.  i think they look awesome, but i also think that 16 oz of protein for one meal is disgusting and excessive.  unless you're doing a hot wing challenge or something, or eating that five pound steak in texas.  i guess then it's more about proving your awesomeness.  but if you're just looking for a little dinner and you decide to order a goddamn pound of steak then i think you got issues.

oh yeah, on thursday my mother in law had a little gettogether at the restaurant, and it was her, my father in law, my lovely wife, a couple folks from the bank my m-i-l used to work at, and for some reason, my boss's dad.  i went out to talk to them before they ordered and when i came back to the kitchen i said "umm....boss?  i think your dad is hitting on my wife" and he just goes "probably."  classic.  the boss was working for jenney on thursday cause she ran off to get married.  and we weren't exactly busy, but we had a good weekday dinner rush and i ran circles around him and that's always fun.

geez, i wish i could think of more stuff to talk about right now, considering i haven't blogged in a week, but i'm all out.

here's a picture of my kitchen!  it's hot in there!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

this crap always happens

so, last night we had a party scheduled...supposed to be 20-25 people, and it's actually pretty rare when all of them show up, and it's even rarer for them to show up on time.  if we have a group scheduled for twenty people at six thirty, chances are that we'll get sixteen or seventeen of them around seven, seven fifteen.  and i love how nobody thinks its a big deal.  it's not like we set up half of our restaurant for them, and brought in extra help....oh.....wait....

anyway, the group last night turned out to be 31 people, which was awesome, and they all ate dinner and drank some beers or wine each, so the ticket was huge.  peggy took part of the table and jeana took the other part, and even though peggy's part was 19 people and jeana's was only 12, jeana ended up with more tips.  and peggy threw a hissy fit, and it became this whole big thing, and jeana was crying at one point, and it turned out that i finished before any of the servers.  ANY of them.  only one is supposed to close!  and peggy and jeana were still there, mostly cause peggy was whining and calling the boss and jeana was trying to not bash peggy's head in and get her sidework done, which had gone unattended due to the drama. 

so, from the kitchen perspective, the table went fine.  the boss was hanging around wanting to help but i've told him a million times, as long as i have one other person in the kitchen everything will be ok.  and i had tina and even though she's a little slower than i'd like, she did just fine.  boss is kinda cute, though, when he stands there asking if we want help...he looks like a kid asking for cookies.  we let this group order off the menu, and a lot of times with groups that big, we'll give them a limited menu just to make it easier on the girls and on the kitchen.  lemme see if i can remember what they had..

five matadors (one split)
four tuesday spag specials
one half rack ribs, mashies brown gravy
two chicken fried steaks, mashie chicken gravy
salmon and caper sauce, rice
almond salmon, rice
hamburger steak, mashie brown
meatloaf, mashie brown
two chicken strip baskets
cheeseburger, fries
single lumberjack cheeseburger, fries
country harvest salad
blt wheat toast
french dip, fries

that's all i remember off the top of my head but that's like 23 out of 31 meals.  and i have no reason whatsoever for remembering that.  i'm not gonna need to know that today when i go to work, but...there it is.  anyway. 

back to the salt mines...

Monday, November 9, 2009

haha! whee!


The world famous chef knife tattoo

the shrimp cocktails from the party i catered...they so cute!

here's my famous grilled cheeseburger.  yep.  you see it right.

this is my restaurant on a good day.  happy folks.

these are those caprese skewers that nobody ate at my party.

mmm...pulled pork tacos

classic. me and daniel rocking the phony moustaches

umm....working hard.  as usual.

"thanks for reading the blog, suckers!"

hey look what i can do

i can post pictures!  dat's me!

sorry grandma

jeez, i haven't posted in forever.  my computer has been having some major problems, and i'm too lazy to walk my laptop upstairs and plug it in.  i need a wireless router.  anyway.  what's going on, dear readers?  have ya missed me and my angry line cook rants?  not much happened this week...except that on thursday we had a big table (16 top) of regulars that came in and ate, and everything was fine except one there was confusion on one lady's fried chicken.  ok.  so we get this fried chicken pre breaded and pre portioned.  they come in bags of four pieces.  occasionally they only have three pieces, and sometimes they have two of the same pieces in there (supposed to have one each of breast, thigh, leg, and wing).  so this lady ended up only getting three pieces, and as soon as we found out, we dropped the other piece she was missing.  now, astute readers will realize that that means we opened up another bag of chicken and took a piece out.  ok, so we sent that out, and she thought it was overcooked, so we ended up making a whole new order of fried chicken.  then tara gave her a free piece of pie.  so, to recap, this lady got two whole chicken dinners (without being charged for either) and a free dessert, and when all was said and done, and everybody was done and leaving (this group comes in a lot and they're good customers and they tip well), this fucking lady comes back in like she forgot something, gets the credit card slip from tara, and TAKES THE FUCKING TIP OFF OF IT.

what the fuck is wrong with people?  first of all, that was kitchen error, which i don't think the server should be punished for.  second, we did EVERYTHING we could to make it right.  she got two dinners and a dessert for free.  and the other fifteen people at the table enjoyed their meal and tipped accordingly, and this skunky bitch takes the entire tip off the ticket.  and we were slow other than that, so the one table tara had all night that she could have made money off of, she got stiffed on, because of one stupid rich lady.  (oh yeah, all those folks are rich, and live on a golf course.  rich people tip like shit because they don't know what it's like to be broke and really need that four dollars.  fuck them).  also, it wasn't even tara's fault!  well, to be fair, it wasn't really our fault in the kitchen either, it was the fault of shitty product.  sorry folks...i don't do the ordering nor do i decide what products we'll use.  what i wish i did, however, is rush out and 86 this bitch, but i was long gone by the time all the drama went down.  *sigh*  sometimes i really hate people.

our last ticket was an hour and a half before we closed on saturday night, and we spent all night friday talking about nintendo games.  kind of a boring week.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

not what i expected

so, halloween has come and gone, and lots of interesting things happened.  first of all, whoever wrote "Happy Halloween" on the board out front misspelled halloween (holloween) which is totally bush league.  then one of the breakfast cooks let an omelette go out with a slip of paper in it (most of our cheese comes pre-sliced with paper separating the slices).  it's careless, and it should not happen.  although we in the kitchen know that particular piece of paper never touched anything but cheese for all the customer knows we wiped our taints with it.  not cool. 

then there was the whole costume thing, which went about like i said it would.  most of the girls were in their griz gear like normal but with more facial accessories and fancier hairdos.  it was ok.  they looked like a gang, which, really, is kind of what we are anyway.  and tammy was in her prince get up, and she looked great, except she took her purple jacket off to wait tables, and then she just kind of looked like the soul glo guy from coming to america.  also i kept trying to get her to say "i'm rick james, bitch!"  she had a great wig and a pinstripe moustache.  i just told people i was dressed up as myself from the day before, and that my costume was more spot on than theirs. 

anyway, it was pretty slow, we didn't really get any after game rush like we should have.  jessie actually bet the boss (or he bet her, i'm not sure how it happened really) forty bucks that we wouldn't get 11 tables between 6:30 and 7:30, and she won.  just barely, though...at like 7:32 we started getting tables and we were actually pretty steady until almost nine.  of course, i had let jenney go by then (cause it was slow) so it was just me cooking, but i kind of like being by myself in the kitchen...it's almost easier for me to make sure everything comes up together by being responsible for both sides of the kitchen instead of assuming somebody else will do it.  anyway it was nice and steady for a while, and we made a few bucks and i got to talk to a couple of cool guys watching the world series game, one of whom grew up just a couple blocks from shea stadium.  for those of you who don't know (and judging by my counter, there isn't any of you) i'm a huge mets fan.  anyway, he was cool and i fed him and his buddy and we talked baseball for a while. 

it was a pretty good night.  now it's sunday, and i'm gonna be lazy and drink beer, and maybe play some mario. 

Saturday, October 31, 2009

well i'm not sure what to expect

it's halloween, but it's also a game day, so who knows?  halloween is usually pretty slow cause everybody is at their house giving out candy or they're at parties or whatever.  slow.  but on the other hand, it's a game day, which are usually busy.  my call is that we get busy for a while, but early, and then the place just dies at six thirty. 

so everytime the boss and i talk about a particular menu item not selling, all of a sudden, it does.  it happened with our bbq wings...he told me we had only sold like four orders in the last couple months and then the next week we sold like six or seven orders.  and it happened again yesterday with the lemon caper sauce.   ok...a little history...i think it was two mother's days ago, the boss was actually thinking of running salmon a la king.  like, seriously.  for those that don't know, salmon a la king is a super outdated dish (1960s), it's a salmon filet with (as far as i know) a cream sauce with sauteed mushrooms and onions.  in my humble cook's opinion, it's way too heavy for mother's day.  first off, it's springtime, and moms, especially older moms and grandmas, aren't likely to eat something heavy like that.  anyway, that's what he proposed and i immediately said "dude, no way, that's too heavy and old school...how about something nice and fresh, like some sort of lemon and caper sauce?"  and he let me run with it and i made a lemon caper cream sauce (it's a very light cream sauce) with lots of lemon juice and zest, and nice plump capers for a salty bite.  i was the first to admit that a lemon cream sauce didn't sound very good, but it actually works quite nicely.  anyway, ever since then we've ran a salmon with the lemon caper sauce and our version of chicken picatta, which is a chicken breast lightly dredged in seasoned flour, pan fried, and served with the sauce.  my boss's wife actually likes shrimp cooked in the sauce and tossed with linguini.  anyway, when we stared running it it went pretty well, but in the last couple months it's slowed down considerably.  like a week and a half ago we were talking about how it doesn't sell much anymore and we wanted to try something different, and last night, in the span of about fifteen minutes, i sold three of the salmons and FIVE chicken picattas.  it was ridiculous.  i was actually getting ready to leave and i ended up staying another half hour cause i had to make another batch of the sauce.  i make it in big batches (probably ten or twelve servings) and we reheat it in sautee pans.  you have to baby it and watch it cause if you heat it too fast or take your eye off it for a second it will break and more cream needs to be added.  anyway, it was wierd.  it's a good sauce.

lemon caper sauce  (two servings)

1 pat butter
1 tbsp minced onion
1/2 tsp minced garlic
the zest and juice of one lemon
1/2 cup heavy cream
pinch kosher salt
pinch white pepper
1 tbsp capers

melt the butter and sautee the onions and garlic until they smell awesome.  add the zest and lemon juice and incorperate.  add the cream and let reduce (what i call "bubbling up then bubbling down".  you'll know it when you see it).  when sauce coats the back of a spoon and you can draw a line through it and the line doesn't fill in, it's ready for the capers.  taste, and add seasonings if necessary (usually are).  put it over grilled salmon or halibut or a chicken breast or toss it with shrimpies and pasta. 

Friday, October 30, 2009

stuff i think is totally stupid part six million

so, all the servers are dressing up for halloween, which i think is stupid.  i feel if you're an adult there's only two reasons to dress up in a costume...

1.  if you're going to a costume party.  that one makes sense.  costume parties can be kick ass.  i'm down for this.

2.  if you have kids and they want you to dress up and take them trick or treating.  i would totally dress up if i had kids.  no sweat.  i actually look forward to it.

however, if you work at a restaurant, especially in the kitchen, then dressing up makes no fucking sense.  first off, it's hot in my kitchen, and most costumes are a burden, unless you're a sexy blankety-blank, in which case you'll probably just get hot grease spilled on your naughty bits.  also i'm sloppy as all hell when i'm busy, so i would probably ruin a costume by spilling spaghetti sauce or gravy all over it.  also, i'm 32 goddamn years old.  i'm not gonna show up at work in a giant foam spongebob rig.  i'd end up lighting myself on fire.  one spit of grease and that thing would melt and collapse around me like a goddamn dying star.  also, it's stupid.  you think i'm gonna rock an eight hour plus shift in a goddamn spider man suit?  fuck off.  it's dumb.  and another thing, all the servers are dressing up as "hardcore griz fans" which is pretty much how they dress every saturday anyway.  i hear there's gonna be some face paint or something.  anyway, it's dumb.  tammy is going as prince, which will probably look maybe a little cool at first but after three or four hours of spilling ranch and taco soup all over herself, plus maybe crying a little, she's gonna look like hell.  people will probably think she has a zombie costume on.

listen, if you're twenty something, hot, and into the bar scene, fucking go for it.  play dress up.  i used to.  it's all good at that age, but man, you hit that thirty mark, and things like that start to seem childish.  i'd rather just go home and put my sweats on and sit on my couch and watch tv.  am i lame?  sure.  do i think coming to work dressed up as the joker or a sexy blankety-blank is considerably lamer?  fuck yes i do.

at least the other cook on saturday feels the same way i do and i'm sure we'll have a good time pointing and snickering and judging and telling everyone they look dumb and i hate their stupid faces.

anyway, it's only friday and it's been slow as hell all week.  i got a wee talking to about my on the clock cell phone usage, but so did literally everybody else that works there except the old ladies who can't figure out how to text.  anyway, i've been trying to be good, i keep my phone in my jacket in the back instead of in my pocket, but i still sneak back there and check my shit every once in a while.  i had been just standing in the kitchen for hours texting my boy mikey about tv shows.  the boss doesn't like paying me for that, and i can understand, but sometimes honestly, i got shit else to do.  i try to look busy but i'm not very good at it.

also, i'd like to make a request for everybody reading this to send happy thoughts to the greatest server ever and my good buddy tiffani, as the cancer she thought she had beat has come back agressively.  she beat it once and she can do it again, but she needs all the support she can get.  kick it's ass, tiff...we love ya!

Friday, October 23, 2009

sorry both mikes and grandma

hey sorry, my computer got a nasty virus and had to be attended to, and then we fixed it but i was scared to put my password in anything, so i haven't updated in a while.  did you all miss me?  all three of my loyal readers?  yeah, i didn't think so.

ok, so i wanna keep within the foodie blogroll guidelines, so i gotta talk about food, but not much of anything happened at work this week, so i'll enthrall you all with the story of how i catered a party one time.

it all began way back in the summer of 09 (seems like so long ago...*snork*) and one of my wife's co-workers asked her if i could cater a 50th anniversary party for her grandparents.  it was on a saturday in august (wedding season) so they were having trouble finding a caterer.  i've NEVER done anything like catering before, so naturally, i said "sure!"  at first i was told it would be for fifty people, and i thought to myself that no matter what the food was, i could knock out a party for fifty.  then a couple days later the number was upped to around 80.  which is a lot of individual plates, if you're doing that sort of thing.  they wanted a brunch buffet, which made things way easier on me, considering i didn't have to make up plates, i just had to make up food.  we threw a few ideas back and forth, and finally settled on this menu:

APPETIZERS
shrimp cocktails - i know, shrimp cocktails are easy and boring, but i did do 80 individual ones, in cute little punch cups.  those things went like gangbusters.  everybody loved them, and they looked awesome.
caprese skewers - once again, the easy route, but i wanted them to be served in vases and look like floral arrangements from across the room.  and they did!  and nobody ate them because they all thought they were floral arrangements.  whoops.
chocolate covered fruit - damn near a train wreck, but the wife and little sister did a bang up job and got it done.  i'd never done the whole melting chocolate and dipping shit in it before, and we thinned the choco out with milk and butter (i thought the butter would help it set up) and they were pretty sticky and gooey but they were yummy.  everybody got two strawberries and two banana slices, and after the party what we had left over got eaten up pretty quick.

MAIN COURSE
scrambled eggs - standard brunch fare, and one of the easiest things to make for a crowd.
bacon & sausage - same thing.  easy way to feed 80 people.
roasted baby red potatoes - rosemary and garlic butter.  i didn't want to do hashbrowns but still wanted a starch, and i've done rosemary roasted red many times.  good stuff.
pina colada french toast - i know, it sounds awesome, right?  it probably was.  i didn't get to try it after i got the grill temprature down (i burned a few slices before i got it right.  i was working in a kitchen completely unfamiliar to me)  it was the one item i wasn't sure of and it seemed to be the one item that everybody loved.  we actually ran out.
sockeye salmon en papillote - basically salmon flanks cooked in parchment paper envelopes with fresh dill and lemon slices.  i'd never actually done that preperation before, and got rave reviews.  one guy told me he hadn't had salmon that good in fifteen years since he lived on the shore of lake michigan.  bonus!
balsamic macerated fruit salad - canteloupe, watermelon, honeydew, strawberries, bananas, and champagne grapes, all tossed with balsamic and fresh mint.  killer.
pulled pork sliders with chipotle slaw - this part was hilarious, because everybody there was pretty old, nobody knew what sliders were.  i didn't have them all made up, i just had the pork, slaw, and cut dinner rolls all together, and most people ate it in pieces instead of making sliders.  oh well, people loved it, and my pulled pork is absolutely killer.

all the guests were blown away i'd never catered before, and one lady came up to me and told me it was the best catered meal she'd ever had.  it was wierd, as a line cook, i'm used to a fairly thankless existance.  i stay in the back, and just assume everybody is happy, and if they aren't, the servers let me know about it.  but when people love something i never get thanked, either by them or by anybody else.  so it was ackward for me to accept thanks from 80 people.  i usually don't talk or even make eye contact with my customers, so it was super wierd for me.  i got paid like a king, and i got the experience, which made it all worth it.  i never once felt like i was in the weeds, i had awesome help (my dad even rocked the coffee station), and it made me feel ten feet tall.

anyway.  there's a story.  it's not the whole story, of course, but i'm sick of sitting in front of my computer. 

Sunday, October 18, 2009

this is how we do!

finally!!!  we got mad busy last night, for what seems like the first time in weeks.  and all the girls knew about and pushed the halibut and pub chips, and we sold out.  shit, we sold out of damn near everything.  we got busy right after the game (about 4:30) and stayed busy until about eight.  and busy busy, not just steady.  it was nice to get our collective asses kicked (although i have to say the kitchen did most of the ass kicking).  oh, and i found out that jessie was the only one who didn't know about the special on friday.  tara knew about it and pushed it and nobody wanted it, and crystal knew about the special but didn't bother telling any customers.  she's wierd like that.  she'll tell you she didn't have time, but we weren't busy and it's pretty easy to walk up to tables and say "do you know about the special?"  so that's way worse than jessie not knowing we had a special.  and jessie was pissed i ratted her out to the boss about not knowing about the special, but hey...it's her job to know, and i didn't so much rat her out as i just told boss what was happening.

anyway, it was stupid busy and it was great.  that's my element, man, tons of tickets flapping in the breeze and a bunch more piling up on the machine, and just cooking the bejaysus out of it.  i love it when it's busy like that, i feel absolutely in my element.  sure, it's hot, it's cramped, and everybody is yelling at you for this order and hold the blankety blank on that order, and it's a logistical challenge to get everything up on time and looking good.  i get bored and lazy when we're slow, but when we're busy...man, i tell ya, i'm the best guy for the job.  i find myself getting all pumped up and yelling "yeah!  bring it!  what's next?  i thought you guys said we were getting busy!  this ain't shit!"

hopefully they'll have a good sunday morning out there today...we need a couple hardcore days in a row.  it was nice cause yesterday was boss's birthday and he didn't even come in after the game (he's been at work for like two months straight...went and had a party with his family), but we got busy and didn't call or bother him with anything, plus he left his cake so we could eat off it.  it was sweet.

anyway.  weekend.  breakfast with poppa and big brother, and football with the wife.

gonna be a good day.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

umm, whoops

so here i was, all excited to run our now legendary halibut and pub chips, and i made awesome beer batter and the best chips ever, and around seven we had been sort of steady (not busy) and we hadn't sold a single order, and i asked crystal and jessie "why the hell isn't the halibut selling?  people usually love it!" and they both looked at me sort of blankly and jessie said "i had no idea we were even running halibut!"

*sigh*

k, here's the thing...we have this clipboard, and it has what i call the special sheet on it.  this piece of paper has who's working what shifts, what section they're in (for servers), the soup of the day, the specials for the day, and whatever might be 86'd (anything we ran out of).  it's right inbetween the computer where we all clock in and the soup pots, sitting on top of the server microwave.  so, it's pretty much right there where all the servers are all the time and i always look at it when i clock in...it's pretty important for me to know what specials there are, although we run a pretty predictable schedule.  friday and saturday night and sunday morning are different, and occasionally wednesday we do something.  and since i always look at the special sheet, i just assumed all the girls did too.  now, granted, they all work the same shifts every week, and i'm pretty sure they're all in the same sections week in and week out, but still.  it's right there.  look at the special sheet! 

of course after i told them we had the halibut jessie went out and sold one on her next table.  the boss walks by and i go "haha!  none of the girls knew we had a special, and it didn't even get written up on the board.  we just sold our first one."  and he looks at me and just shakes his head and goes back in the office.  classic.  then about a half hour after i get home he calls me and says "lets run the halibut again tomorrow.  make sure the girls know about it.  ok.  thanks."  and pretty much hangs up.  it was like a seventeen second phone call.  and he could have just left me a note on the special sheet for today and i would have seen it.  so i dunno, maybe he thinks it's my fault for not telling everybody that we had the halibut and pub chips.  but, you see, i didn't tell anybody because THERE'S A GODDAMNED SHEET WITH ALL THE INFORMATION ON IT RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SERVER STATION!!!

so, yeah.  we're running the halibut again.  also it's boss's birthday and there will be cake involved.  it's my friday and there's a new snl, plus the saints (my team) host the giants (wife's team) on tv tomorrow morning, so it's gonna be a good day off.  but one more day in the trenches, and it's a game day, so hopefully we'll be busy, but the last couple weeks we've slowed down considerably.  by all rights we should be busy on a game day, but last week was homecoming and there was the whole not-having-a-single-ticket-for-an-hour-and-a-half thing going on.  so who knows.  all i know is it's my fave crew to work with, and laughs and good times will be had.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

this is getting bad

man, we were slooooow last nite.  barely sold any spaghetti.  and it's only $6.99 people!  all you can friggin eat!  it was boring, and all totaled up i made a whopping six bucks in tips.  barely bought smokes.  usually i'm busy in the afternoon and the mid shift server tips me that much.  yesterday i got two bucks.  it was bad. 

also for some reason we were running chili dogs yesterday.  i had two days off and i guess we became a gas station while i was home.  seriously...chili dogs?  they were actually polish sausages, which technically isn't a dog, but whatever.  i sold one.  after six hours of running it.  i don't think people come in to my restaurant to eat chili dogs.  we also have egg rolls, and it seems like only the servers ever eat them.  i just think some things are kind of situational, and chili dogs are certainly one of those things.  you're at a ball game, sure, go for it.  drunk at 2 am and the 7-11 chili dogs look good, then hop to it.  but coming to a restaurant that doesn't ever serve any sort of hot dog, and ordering a chili dog?  good luck, pal...it's your colon.

anyway the chili was actually pretty good and i ate a cup of it.  it wasn't as cold yesterday but a cup of hot chili went down pretty smooth.  i don't think we have a dinner special today, and our lunch special will undoubtably be something dumb.  for some reason the opening server picks our lunchie, and she never checks to see what we have a lot of or anything, nor does she ever try to be creative, she just picks something off our menu and knocks a buck off of it.  i prefer to make specials that we don't normally have, which makes them special, ya see.  every time i'm allowed to make something up it sells like firecrackers, but most of the time i'm just grumbling under my breath.  anyway.  five bucks says our lunchie is a mushroom burger.  i'll let ya know.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

well that sucked

so we had a couple of decent early dinner rushes on fri and sat, but both days our last table was at 8:30 and we close at ten.  an hour and a half without an order on a wed afternoon is rare, and for it to happen on friday night is fucking incredible, and then for it to happen again on saturday, well, that's just fucked up.  i would bet we start closing earlier next week.  there's just no point being open if nobody's coming in.  so that sucked.  it was homecoming weekend and we were hoping to be crazy busy and i was hoping to make shitloads in tips but neither happened.  lame.

also, the hoods seemed to stop working halfway through last night, and i had a couple ribeyes on that just fucking smoked up the whole restaurant.  and the boss wasn't sure the hoods weren't working, but when i cleaned the grill after we closed, the entire kitchen and back room were full of smoke/steam and i could barely see what i was doing.  it sucked.  i guess the hood guys are coming to clean tonight so hopefully when i go back to work on tuesday everything will be fine.  i doubt it, but i hope.

anyway, it's my weekend and i really don't wanna sit here and talk about work.  i wanna watch playoff baseball.  peace.

Friday, October 9, 2009

every year it happens, and every year i want to die

first snow. 

yeah, i know.  i live in montana.  i know it's coming.  i can see it in the mountains around the valley for weeks before it actually makes me scrape my car off, but it doesn't make it any better.  to the casual outside observer, i'm not a very good montanan.  i imagine those of you reading from anywhere but here think of us as a bunch of hunting, fishing, cowboy backwoods motherfuckers.  COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.  the only person i know that hunts is my dad.  he used to get me to go with him but i always hated it and complained, and the only time (when i was thirteen or fourteen) i actually had to shoot anything, i kind of botched it and had to walk up and shoot the thing in the head from point blank.  it was a yearling moose, in fact, and it was fucking looking at me. and that turned me off of hunting forever.  i like fishing, and shooting guns at cans and stuff is always awesome, but i'm not a fucking cowboy, i don't ski or snowboard anymore, and i pretty much hate every fucking second of snowfall we get.  i haven't been to yellowstone in fifteen years, and i haven't been to glacier since i was like five, and i've never been camping.

so, yeah.  i like staying indoors and playing video games.  shoot me.

anyway, i was gonna talk about work but i'd rather talk about how i'm dreading driving to work.  i have a mustang.  it's badass, sure, but not the greatest snow car.  at least i got new tires this year.  last year my tires were bald, especially the back ones, and i had many an aggrivating drive to work, and actually for like a month straight my car didn't leave my apartment parking lot.  i couldn't even back out of the spot i was in.  i had to drive my dad's truck.  anyway.  i'm sure i'll be fine, and it's not the highway i'm scared of, it's getting to the highway.  at least people in montana know how to drive in the shit.  the year i was in washington (mikey, back me up here) if it snowed like an inch eveybody went screaming back into their houses and nobody went to work or school.  they closed the mall in olympia one day when it snowed a half an inch.  i didn't even have a coat on.  and everybody on the road looked bewildered but didn't like, adjust their drive times or styles to suit the weather.  it was hilarious and dangerous.

ANYway, it's homecoming weekend at u of m, and i'm sure we'll get pounded all weekend, starting tonight.  i hope so.  i need the tips.  the homecoming game is against cal-poly, and i love when warm weather teams have to come into missoula and play in blizzard conditions.  when i was a senior in high school, u of m beat sw texas state 72-3 cause there was like five inches of snow on the field and it was blowing all around and like five degrees and those fucking guys didn't know what to do with themselves.  also i cooked them dinner on their way to the airport.  not really, i worked at wendys at the time, and i kinda remember being on the register.  sue me.

god, i'm going nowhere with all this. 

bye.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

that went surprisingly well

so, before he left in the afternoon yesterday, the boss told me to run some sort of a rib eye steak special, cause we haven't been selling them much lately and we had a few in the walk-in that we needed to turn.  i actually threw four rib eyes out last week cause they were sour, but these ones were fine.  anyway, he told me to do whatever i wanted and just adjust the price accordingly.  it's awesome and very rare when he says "run a special...do whatever you want" and i was stoked cause we usually don't have a dinner special on wednesday.  so i initally thought about just doing some nice garlic mushrooms to serve on top of the steak, cooked in butter and white wine, but i like to have button mushrooms to do that and all we had is pre sliced shrooms and they didn't even look all that great, so i scrapped that idea.  then out of the blue i was like "bleu cheese balsamic!" and i (for the first time ever, actually) made a great balsamic reduction sauce.  just cooked the steaks and crumbled some bleu cheese on them, not too much, and then put my sauce in a squeezie bottle and drizzled it over the top.  some of you may be thinking, "dude, you've never reduced balsamic before?  and bleu cheese and balsamic isn't even very forward thinking and/or challenging!"  well, i'm not a chef, i've explained that before, and the place i work is far from fine dining, and none of our customers expect anything but good, home cooked, normal food to fill their bellies.  i actually thought the bleu cheese would turn most of our customers off.  anyway, we ended up selling like ten of them before i left, which is pretty awesome considering that it was a $16.99 special on a fucking wednesday, in a place that on tuesday runs $6.99 all you can eat spag and on thursday does $9.99 prime rib sammies all day.  i couldn't believe that old folks and truckers were shelling out seventeen bucks to eat a steak covered in skunky cheese and vinegar.  i was proud as hell of how it looked, too.  oh, and before dinner rush started, boss came back to get food to bring home to his wife and originally he just wanted two porkies (breaded pork chop burger type sammies), and he seemed interested and vaguely grossed out when i told him what i decided to do as a special, and he was like "just gimmie the porkies" and i put a bit of my balsamic drizzle on a spoon and made him try it and he kinda snapped it around his mouth for a second and said "ok, gimmie one of those specials too."  it was great.  tammy asked me at one point why boss doesn't let me do this (make up specials) all the time.  it's funny, he was just trying to get rid of some steaks, and i got to play around a bit and turned it into a pretty nice special, and we made a couple hundred bucks.  everybody's happy.

balsamic reduction
3/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup honey
2 cloves garlic

i actually ran the garlic over my microplane and made paste so there wouldn't be any chunks stopping up my squeeze bottle.  bring everything to a boil and let reduce for fifteen, twenty minutes.  you'd think it would be too sweet with the honey but the garlic cuts it just right and you end up with a nice sweet/savory sticky sauce that works just as good on steak as it would on ice cream.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

ok then

so, tuesday spag day was kind of a bust, as it has been recently.  the regulars were out there, including my boy fred, and that family that wants too much sauce, but i barely went through half a soup pot of sauce, and like a month ago i was rocking two pots of sauce to the last little bit.  so the weather and kids being in school again and all that has us slowing down.  which, on one hand, is fine cause i get paid the same either way (except obviously i get more tips when we're busy), but we love what we do and we wanna do as much of it as possible. 

off topic a bit (topic?  did i even have one?) i'm sitting here getting over being sick, and i feel pretty ok for the most part, but my left ear is a little plugged up, which reminds me of the time my eardrum blew up during lunch rush.  i was working at a god awful hellhole of a place, a restaurant that was busy as hell, but that had an absent, idiot asshole owner, the worst designed kitchen ever (fryers in the dishpit, anyone?), and the highest turnover rate i've ever seen.  it was a nightmare.  we weren't allowed to go outside to smoke cause somebody somewhere in the past had gotten high in their car, so we had to sit in the casino at one particular table, unless there was someone already sitting there.  so most of the time we had to stand up in the corner of the casino, with all these lights and keno machine noises, and it never really felt like a fucking break.  anyway.  the place sucked.  i got tons more stories about this place.  but this one goes like this...i had a headache all day, it was one of those too-much-pressure-in-your-cabasa sorts of deal, and i was working saute, and i was agitated as fuck all day cause my head hurt and i was pretty much agitated as fuck all the time there anyway, and all of a sudden BOOM!  my right eardrum actually exploded, right there, and i dropped me to my knees, and i had all this nasty juice dripping out of my head, and when i tried to explain to a manager what happened, and that i should probably leave and go to the doctor, i got a line of shit about how i couldn't leave cause they'd have to call cody in and he'd end up with overtime.  i was like, "yes, but you see, my MOTHERFUCKING EAR JUST EXPLODED ALL OVER MY CHEF JACKET AND IT'S DRIPPY AND HURTS AND DEAR GOD LET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE!"

i did end up leaving, but i kind of remember it was like two hours later.

god i hated that place

dirty ol todd

*sigh*

todd is a guy i've worked with for like three and a half years, and he's awesome.  he's a tiny little fella, just whispy thin, only about five four, he's somewhere around 50, he's got a fantastic moustache, and he's damn near the dirtiest old man i know (my old man wins every time).  todd smokes faster than any human i've ever seen...we always joke about how he just goes outside and eats a cigarette cause he's always back in like forty seconds.  he's an old school rodeo cowboy, from back in the days when rodeo wasn't on espn, and those dudes broke their asses for peanuts.  todd is badass.  love me some todd. 

found out yesterday that todd has cancer in his brain.

been staring at a blinking cursor here for a couple of minutes, cause i don't really know what to say.  other than life seems to fuck awesome people over all the time.  todd isn't the first person i've worked with to get cancer in the last couple of years.  it happened to tiffani, who is without question, the single greatest waitress ever.  she's just the best.  and it's great to see her out at the restaurant on sat and sun mornings doing a little paperwork, and she's got her cancer beat and she's well on the road to recovery, so i can look forward to working with her again sometime down the road. 

the doctors told todd there was really nothing they could do.  i wouldn't count todd out just yet, he's a tough sumbitch, but it's gonna be a battle, and i just want to use this forum to say that i'm rooting for ya, buddy.  miss ya on the line.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

back to the salt mines

well, i'm feeling better enuf to go back to work.  i still don't feel great.  but i can't miss out on any more money.  it's good ol tuesday spag day, so i got a fairly easy shift in front of me.  plus the last few days i've been rocking a humidifier and it's been nice so i guess standing in front of the steamer is not gonna be so bad.  it's wierd, i actually kind of miss all the cats i work with.  i went in yesterday to get my check and ended up hanging out for like half an hour, smoking with jenney.  a lot of times i'm totally over the folks i work with...not like i hate or despise them, it's just...ya know...work.  i always say that i'm friendly with the people i work with but we're not friends, and to a certain extent that's true, except i only got like three friends outside of work, and if i count my coworkers as friends then it seems like i have a lot more friends and therefore i must be attractive, hilarious, and charming.  and i guess it's wierd that i miss everybody, so maybe they really are my friends.  i dunno.  i doubt any of them are reading this but if you are "HEY BUDDY!  GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAL!"

anyway, i miss work, and i'm glad to be working tonight, closing with crystal or tammy, and good ol danny boy is washing mah dishes.  so it's gonna be a good night.  i plan on smoking a lot. 

Monday, October 5, 2009

sorry guys

hey i've been hella sick the last few days...i got sent home on friday (i'd much rather show up at work and get sent home for being sick than just call up and say "i'm sick"), missed saturday, and also had sunday and today to get back to fighting form.  i still don't feel 100%, i'm hovering around 70%, but in my line of work, if you have even a whiff of sick on ya you can't come to work.  period.  if you work in a cubicle banging away on a computer, or if you're a garbageman, or if you stock shoes at foot locker, you might get away with going to work as sick as i am.  however, when everything you do at work you do with your hands, and everything that you do with your hands ends up in someone's mouth, then it's a different story.  it's just safer.  i'm gonna be screwed money wise, cause i missed two big shifts (and all the tips that go with them), but i'll manage.  i always do.

anyway, that's why i haven't been posting angry rants about shitty late customers or tipping issues.  i seem to have some sort of snot factory inside my head, with what i assume to be tiny snot gnomes pourning tiny snot buckets of snot down my nose.  i dunno where they get the snot, but there's a lot of it, and i can only imagine the hilarity of their high pitched snot gnome voices whilst they sing as they do their work.  also, i bet they all have rubber boots.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

what a ho hum week so far

so yeah, tuesday spag day was boring, and so was yesterday.  i was mad for most of yesterday but i'm not sure why this morning.  that seems to happen a lot.  i just remember being all grumbly and sullen.  today i'm fine.  today is a little wierd cause i switched jenney shifts so she could go to some party so i don't have to work until five.  unfortunately i will miss parks and rec and the office but i got the dvr so i can watch them later, and a new sunny is on tonight too.  anyway, it's wierd sitting here at ten to eleven in the morning and not getting ready to go to work.  i'm gonna miss some hours today so i picked up a couple extra on tuesday and i stayed a little later last night cause we got a ten top right as i was leaving.  don't get me wrong, aaron can damn sure handle a ten top himself, just like i can, but boss would have gotten mad at me if i knew there was a ten top and still left.  if i would have left two minutes earlier i would have gotten out of it.  oh well.  it was easy, and probably got me a couple extra bucks in tips.

this has nothing to do with cooking, but i just wanna shout to my buds mike, amber, and lily...i'm gonna miss you guys.  we haven't hung out enough lately, but you have a baby (who's adorable and wonderful even though i seem to frighten her) and i'm completely lazy and worthless when i get off work.  we've had time, and we just haven't done it.  so i'm sorry.  i dunno if you'll ever read this (although mike did say he read the blog sometimes).  i hope you kids enjoyed your time in ol montana, and enjoyed getting to know all of us.  and mike, i hope (even though i was hilariously drunk that day) we changed your mind on good ol 1-aa football.  seriously...anybody reading this, even though the university of montana isn't a division one school, we got a hell of a program, and in my opinion the best damn stadium atmosphere in college football.  hey mike, (are all my friends named mike?) remember when i introduced you to family guy and orgazmo and we used to eat crispitos on the way to the bitteroot to repo somebody's furniture?  remember when i used to occasionally use...eh...nasal decongestants in the repo truck, and we'd get hot wings on tuesday nights at the despo?  remember terry?  what a douche!  you guys are wonderful buds and even gave us an absolute one of a kind experience for a wedding present (fucking yankee-red sox tickets, ya'll!  and for everybody's information, it was actually roger clemens last game ever.  and he pitched like a champ.) and jenn and i are better people for knowing you.  sorry i passed out in the middle of ocean's 12.  i'd give your baby kisses but she screams like a banshee every time i approach because i have quite the shady look about me.

anyway, good times have been had the last few years, good friends have been made, and many good wishes for your future.  i'll leave ya with an old irish proverb:

there are good ships
there are wood ships
there are ships that sail the sea
but the best ships are friendships
and may they always be