Confessions of a Line Cook: other food blogs need to be jealous of me

STEP ONE. HAVE THIS SHIT.

CHOP THAT SHIT UP, SON! MAYBE EAT A KRISPY KREME! THEY'RE GOOD, YO!

NOW PUT THAT SHIT IN A BOWL AND SET ASIDE. CHOP YO ASS SOME BACON, YO. CHOP IT UP REAL GOOD, SON!

NOW TOSS THAT BACON IN YO BIGGEST HEAVY POT, PUT THAT BACON ON MEDIUM AND LET IT COOK, DAWG!

PRETTY SOON THAT BACON WILL LOOK LIKE THIS, YO!

WHILE THAT BACON IS DOING ALL THAT CRAZINESS, GET A CHICKEN BREAST AND DICE THAT CHICKEN UP, SON!

WHEN THAT BACON IS ALMOST ALL CRISPY AND SHIT, ADD YO CHICKEN, DAWG!

COOK ALL THAT CHICKEN AND BACON TILL IT'S DONE, YO! THEN GRAB A SLOTTED SOMETHING OR OTHER AND GET THEM MEATS OUT OF THAT POT! KEEP ALL THAT DELICIOUS BACON CHUBBY IN THE POT, SON...WE GONNA NEED IT.

REMEMBER ALL THAT SHIT WE CHOPPED UP EARLIER? ADD ALL THAT SHIT BACK INTO THAT POT, DAWG!

NOW SEASON THAT SHIT, YO! USE KOSHER SALT!

AND PEPPER. FRESH GROUND PEPPER, SON!

NOW YO HOUSE BE ALL SMELLIN LIKE VEGGIES COOKIN IN BACON FAT! WORD!

NOW DO SWEET AIR GUITAR, SON! BAD RELIGION RULES!

NOW GET ALL THIS SHIT!

NOW MAKE SOME CHICKEN STOCK! FOUR CUPS! MAKE IT STRONG, SON, CAUSE WE AIN'T ADDIN NO MORE CHICKEN STOCK!

NOW ADD THEM MEATS BACK INTO THAT POT WITH THEM VEGGIES, DAWG! ADD THEM!

YES YES, SON! LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE! MEATS AND VEGGIES, YO!

NOW ADD THAT CHICKEN STOCK, DAWG! POUR IT RIGHT ON IN THERE!

NOW POUR TWO CUPS OF WATER IN, SON! HOLLA!

NOW ADD SOME HEAVY CREAM TO YO POT! HALF A CUP! POUR IN THAT CREAM, YO!

ADD A TEASPOON OF CALDO DE TOMATE! SECRET WEAPON, SON! JIGGY WITH IT!

SEE THIS SCOOP OF MUSTARD? ADD THREE OF THEM SCOOPS, DAWG!

NOW ADD A HALF CAPFULL OF SMOKED PAPRIKA! GOTTA HAVE SMOKED, SON!

NOW STIR IT ALL UP REAL GOOD LIKE, AND LET IT COME TO A BOIL, YO! THEN TURN IT DOWN TO A SIMMER! SIMMER DOWN, YO!

WHILE THAT SOUP IS BOILING UP GOOD, MAKE SOME ROUX! IT'S PRONOUNCED ROO! ADD SOME BUTTER!

NOW ADD SOME FLOUR, SON! I KNOW YOU GOTS FLOUR! MAKE IT GOOD AND CHUNKY!

NOW THAT SOUP HAS A LOT OF BACON FAT IN IT! IT'S ALL ON TOP RIGHT NOW, DAWG! LOOK!

THAT'S WHY WE NEED THAT ROO, SON! TO SOAK UP THAT FAT, AND MAKE THE SOUP ALL SILKY LIKE! ADD IT ALL IN THERE!

YOU JUST MADE SMOKEY DIJON CHICKEN AND BACON SOUP, DAWG! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!

NOW PUTS THAT SOUP IN A BOWL! MAKE YOU SOME GARLIC BREAD CRISPIES! OUT OF WHOLE WHEAT HAMBURGER BUNS OR WHATEVER! USE THAT IMAGINATION, SON! AND REWARD YOURSELF WITH A COCKTAIL!