ok so maybe not so bad

ok.  i apologize to my loyal reader (readers?  does anybody still read this thing?), cause i have been a pissy little missy lately.  i have a problem getting down on myself, and i have a problem seeing the positives in a situation where there is negatives.  anyway.  i'm really trying to give my brain a 180 and keep myself positive and happy.  work is going a lot better for me than it was a couple weeks ago.  i feel like i've finally gotten where i wanted to be as far as knowing the menu and the flow of the kitchen.  i've had two weeks of good days at work.  i feel like i'm becoming part of the boys.  i actually found myself kind of training a new guy yesterday...nobody told me to, it just seemed like it needed to happen.  he is a dishwasher but our dish guys have to do lots of run-n-fetch for the cooks and occasionally heat stuff up, so i just lined him out on where stuff was and what to expect to get asked to do.

anyway, it's good times.  i am starting to like it a lot, and feel like i fit in and feel like i kick ass and all that.  the only problem i got now is that i'm not getting enough hours.  i really don't want to have to go somewhere else and start all over again, but there's tons of guys in the crew and we all need our hours...i'm not established enuf at this place to go demanding more hours or else, ya know?  i wish i was.  but i'm not.  there is another cook leaving next week to go work at a gas station (i know, right?), and i'm gonna talk to the kitchen manager about maybe picking up one of his shifts.  i really want this to work out.  it's getting fun, but i'm actually having trouble paying my bills at this point. 

aah, shit...if it's not one thing, it's another, right?  i guess i could have worse problems than three days off.  if i was getting 9+ hours a shift things would be ok but when it's slow i'm low man on the totem and i get sent home.  i'm in danger of not even hitting thirty hours this week.  i can not pay my bills with thirty hours a week.  and i got all excited cause last week i got a couple hours of OT, and i was like, "oh, i can do all the OT they wanna give me" and then i see my schedule and it's only four days, and then next week it's only four days, and i'm torn between being stoked i got three days off to sit on my ass and be lazy, and having to pay my bills.

i'm sure it will all work out.  (see?  positive attitude.)  i want it to work out.  a couple weeks ago i wasn't so sure.  but on friday i brought the boys all red bulls and i've been staying after and having shifters with the guys occasionally and i finally feel like i broke thru the fences and am running around with the big dogs.  it's good times.

anyway.  i guess there isn't much point to this post.  i just wanted to post something that wasn't all "boo hoo poor me".  things at work are pretty awesome.  things in my wallet, not so much...but i'm working on it.

on a side note, this is the worst day in history for me to be stuck at work...the mets play the yankees on sunday night baseball, and also it's THE GODDAMN FINAL EPISODE OF LOST EVER.  i told my wife she can only text me about the game.  fuckin abc...i make sure i have tuesdays off so i can watch lost and they put the fucking finale on a sunday.  suck it, tv execs...

the grass is never greener anywhere

*sigh*

six months ago i was completely entrenched in a good job that paid extremely well.  i got along with all my coworkers, and i had fun at work and generally never dreaded going.

now, i'm new guy at a very busy place...and new guy always gets shit shifts and shit stations.  i gotta be honest, guys...i dread going to work.  i get along fine with everybody, but i have doubts as to whether they actually like me.  i used to get excited about big weekends (mothers day, graduation, etc) and now they scare the shit out of me.  i feel like i'm in the weeds from the second i clock on.  i keep running into situations that make me feel stupid and worthless.  example--yesterday i was on the salad station (easier than broiler) and i ran out of corn muffins...i asked where the backups were, and i got looked at like i was an idiot and told "um, you have to make them".  k, that's fine, but don't act like i'm dumb for not knowing that.  also, generally with baked things they're baked off ahead of time and you don't fire off pans of muffins during dinner rush.  anyway.  i've worked the salad station twice, counting last night.  nobody has trained me, i just kind of jumped in and started doing it.  the one dude in the kitchen who i think might not hate me, he helps me when he can, gives me pointers and whatnot, but i feel like i ask so many questions he gets annoyed with me.  and it's wierd sitting at the end of the kitchen in silence when everybody else is talking about their mutual friends and experiences.

i dunno.

i've just been really bummed lately, and it's hard for me to focus on the good things.  with the schedule that i got currently, four days a week i get home after the wife goes to bed and she's gone by the time i get up.   i miss her.  and for all the positive things about the job (#1---i have one) i seem to get stuck thinking that i made a huge mistake leaving my old job.  and once that thought creeps into my head, everything else gets tainted with dark clouds.

it is what it is.  what's done is done.  but let me pose a little thought for all of you reading...if the place across the street is hiring and it seems like it would be fun, be very fucking careful.  a great man once said (actually it was awesome 80s band cinderella) "don't know what you got till it's gone".

i miss my old job.  i miss the boss, i miss the girls, i miss the kitchen staff.  i miss my extreme familiarity with the menu and the processes.  but most of all i miss the paychecks.  i miss feeling like i don't suck ass, and i miss feeling like i fit in.

but it is what it is...

back to square one

i took my first kitchen job in feburary of 98.  i was a college student, and i was eating with my dad and grandma at one of our favorite places, and the hostess asked me if i wanted a job.  i remember working a couple of dish shifts my first few weeks, but i was pretty much a cook from the get go.  i wasn't terribly serious about it back then, but it grew on me and eventually i became the kick ass line ninja that i am today.  i worked my ass off to move up the chain, both pay wise and responsibility wise.  six months ago i was getting paid very well, but i had kind of topped out at the place i was at in terms of responsibility.  i was getting bored at work, we weren't as busy as i wanted to be, and the food i was cooking wasn't what i ultimately wanted to do.  and then i got an opportunity to do something different, and even though i took a hefty pay cut to do it, on paper it seemed like the right opportunity.

we all know how that turned out, now don't we?

anyway, here i am, new guy at a new restaurant, where nobody really knows the time i've put in and nobody cares how much i used to get paid.  low man on the totem pole...after 12 years on the line, i'm the new guy again, the guy they put on the busiest station to get his ass kicked, the guy who seems to get fucked all night long.  they're breaking me in, even though i'm old and well broken by this point.  i understand, of course, and if i was in their shoes i'd do the same thing.  but it's wierd, and totally humbling.  there's a part of me that feels like "fuck!  i've been doing this for too long to fucking count wings and drop basket after basket of fries" and there's another part of me that knows that's just how it goes.  that's the game, folks...i didn't get transferred or promoted, i just started a new job.  i didn't come in as the new chef or the guy that's gonna clean house, just as a regular dude who needed a job. 

it is what it is.

the good parts of all this is that the fellas in the kitchen are fucking power cooks, and they're all super fucking cool.  they're doing a helluva job at making me feel welcome and comfortable.  and even though i have little to no creative control over anything (i get to make soups occasionally) i'm finally cooking the kind of food i've always wanted to cook.  nothing pretentious, nothing fancy, nothing you'd read on the menu and have to ask what it is...just food food.  pub food.  but virtually everything we do is from scratch, from baking our own burger buns, hoagie rolls, and pita bread to making all our sauces and dressings, breaking down big cuts of meat to get little ones as opposed to ordering pre-fab, and all that.  i've always been a big believer in the "if you can make it yourself why don't you?" school of thought.  the place i work now thinks that way too.  and we have a fantastic customer base, and we're busy as hell.  i've noticed that we don't so much have a dinner rush as we're just busy as shit all night long, which is not something i'm used to.

hmm.  i'm having a hard time putting this to words today.  i guess what i'm really trying to say is that it sucks to be the new guy again, but it's awesome to be where i am and working with who i get to work with.  i just have to put in the time, get my ass kicked and bounce back, and get in there and show everybody what i'm made of.  i've always fancied myself as a power cook, and now i just have to prove it.

i'm gonna need a couple of red bulls...

introducing the f n g. again.

for those of you not in the business, f n g means fucking new guy.  for the second time in around three months, i am the f n g.  but that's good, though, cause it means i got a job!  i was out of work for a week.  dropped tons of resumes but only got two callbacks.  the good thing is the second callback was for a place i really wanted to work.  the first place is a highly recommended steakhouse, but it's a bit of a drive, and the job i took is way easier to get to.  i also take perverse pleasure in the fact that it's just a stone's throw from the place i was unceremoniously dumped from.  although, i gotta tell ya, a week after the fact, i honestly couldn't care less.  it wasn't really working for me anyway.  i am glad that i made up with some people, and word on the street is that everybody knows what really went down, so it's all good.  although i did hear today from somebody who heard it was "a mutual thing" that i left.

ha.

anyway...i don't care.  everybody at that place rules except for one lying little snake-type creature, and that person digs their own holes, and kitchen karma works way faster than regular karma. 

anyway, new job!  it's awesome!  i rocked the broiler and the fryers.  made lots and lots of killer fish tacos, and cooked a ton of BIG FAT JUICY burgers.  new new place (i gotta find a better name for it) has a kick ass menu, and virtually everything is scratch made...just how i like it.

my pizza is done and the mets game is on, so i'm not gonna go on and on, although i could.  new job is rad.  love it already.

also glad to blog again.

a final act of classiness

so, how we did the tips at the old place (place i was just pushed out of) is that instead of having each server tip the cooks and dishwashers out at the end of each shift, all the tips are pooled and on the fridays we don't get paid we got our tips.  they were always split equally between the day crew (who did most of the prep) and night crew (who did lots of cooking).  so, yesterday was the tip friday.  after all the stuff that went down i didn't go back and get my tips cause i needed to cool off, and i was busy looking for another job.  so i went in this morning.  calm, smiling, not looking for a fight or to cause a scene.  el chefe was out front and i said "hey, do i got tips?" and he goes "no, we split them up between everybody else, we didn't think you were coming back."  i said "well, i'm not really coming back, i just want my tips."  he said "we thought you'd never set foot in here again"

is that a good reason to not give me the tips i worked for and rightfully deserve?  i don't think so.  was i surprised?  fuck no!  do i feel my last paycheck is in jeopardy?  fuck yes!  do i feel fucked out of fifty bucks?  you bet!  am i gonna get mad and do something about it?  nah. 

but do i want to?

hell yes i do.

guess who's the asshole?

guess who's the bad guy here?  me.  i got let go today.  fired isn't really the right word but i was told "you don't want to work here anymore.  nobody likes you."  i was pushed out.  i'm not a cool kid.  can't hang with the big boys.  apparently the pictures i posted (and took down when i was asked) had a few people up in arms, angry with me for pointing out their mistakes.  nobody asked if i was angry for having to deal with all that in the am (which i was), nobody asked if i maybe had something else going on in my life that was influencing my attitude at work (which there is), and nobody looked at it as constructive criticism (which it is).  people just looked at it as "oh, mike is a big fat jerk for showing and telling people there's problems that need to be addressed". 

you know, this blog used to be fun to write.  it's always been anonymous, i've been pretty careful not to use anybody's real names or ever, EVER mention the name of the place i work.  if you know me it's not too hard to connect the dots but that's not my problem.  i never meant to hurt anybody's feelings, nor was i personally attacking anyone.  i used this forum as a place to vent my frustrations and anger so it didn't end up elsewhere.  i have a problem with letting my anger and frustrations bottle up inside me and i know that, and my blog was a fun way to blow off steam at the end of the day, and i always felt better after getting my thoughts out.

today i felt personally attacked and disrespected, to a degree i've never felt before.  i've been working in kitchens since a lot of this staff was in grade school, and i know my shit.  i've always worked for owners and managers that knew their shit.  my old boss grew up in the business, and i got to pick his brain for nearly 12 years about the do's and don't's of the whole thing.  i know my stuff.  i'm truly sorry if pointing out things that i'm worried about bothered anybody.  maybe my blog wasn't the place for that.  but nobody around that place ever listened to me, or asked for my input or help, everytime i tried to step up and say something it fell on deaf ears, and i never felt like i was part of their little gang.  outsider since day one.  i tried to fit in, but i guess that's just how it goes.  i feel like nobody there cares that my wife has been out of work for nearly a month and i'm worried i can't pay my bills.  yesterday was my wife's birthday and i didn't have the money to buy her anything or take her out to dinner.  that bothered me.  and you know why i didn't have any money?  because i took a $500 dollar a month pay cut to come to the new place and be a part of their team, because i believed in them.  all i was told from day one was how awesome and professional everything would be, and then when i see things that maybe aren't so awesome and professional, i'm the asshole for pointing it out.  i just wanted to work, and to try and make that place all that i know it can be.  i'm sorry if i feel that someone who put themselves on the schedule at 8 should be there at 8.  i'm sorry if that made me mad.  apparently i'm the jerk for just wanting people to show up on time.  the night guys don't finish their work before they leave, and i'm the jerk for saying "hey, the night guys don't finish their work before they leave".  i'm sorry if i'm the one that had to point out a lot of things, and i'm sorry that everybody was seemingly blind to them in the first place.

i feel like i'm apologizing too much.  my feelings are hurt, though, and there's a huge part of me that wants to just blast out a post that's nothing but anger and profanity and tell-all information.  but that's not how i roll.  i'm bigger than that.  i wish the other owners would have talked to me about their issues.  i would have loved to sit down and point out to them all the times i mentioned on my blog how awesome that place is, and how stoked i was about it's potential, and how i really wanted to make it successful, and how happy and proud i was of the work i did there.  but sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. 

i'm a worker, man, and i'm gonna carry on.  i'll find something.  it just sucks to be the last one picked for kickball, or i guess in my case, the kid who gets pushed down and told "you can't play with us, you told me i pooped my pants!"  hey...you're the one who pooped your pants.  don't get pissed at me cause i pointed it out.

it sucks, cause today i showed up ready to work, smile on my face and ready to put a sticky situation behind us, i was ready to apologize to the owners for hurting their feelings, but also defend and explain myself.  i really wanted the chance to do that.  whether or not that changed the outcome of anything, i still wanted to explain my side of the story.  i'm bummed nobody let me.

on a lighter note, i have the weekend off, which is pretty awesome.  also i don't have to pick rosemary out of my teeth anymore. 

wish i coulda made one last soup though...

you must be mistaken

no.  no, i'm sorry, sir...i'm afraid you must be mistaken.  there wasn't a post here earlier.  what's that you say?  pictures?  no, i'm sorry, i don't remember anything like that sir, perhaps you were thinking of another blog?  hmm...you're sure it was this one...i'm afraid i can't help you sir.  well, no, sir, there's very clearly not any pictures here.  i don't like your tone, if you don't mind me saying...well, do you see any pictures?  ok then.  have a nice day.